Friday, February 17, 2012

Ask me no questions, I'll tell you no lies

Remember me telling you I got a new job?? Well, I don't start until next month, but I had to go start "in processing" today. My new job is teaching on a military base...and those military people are all business.

It has been years since I have been on base. Quite frankly, I had forgotten what a pain it is to even get on base. I remembered that you had to have your license, registration, and proof of insurance, so I already had those items ready to hand to them.

 I drove in the main gate and just thought I could bee-bop my way right through. Wrong. I drove up to the cute (but very manly) Military Police (MP). I handed him my stack of stuff and he looked at me like I was crazy. He said "Ma'am, do you have a visitors pass?" I flashed him my big blue eyes, smiled my "flirty smile" at him and in my best southern belle accent said "well no, I thought you would give me one??"...then I batted my eyes a few more times. His response "Negative"...then he proceeded to yell to the other Mp's "hold up traffic, we have another one!" So four lanes of traffic was held up so they could let me turn around and drive over to the visitors center, where evidently, they expected me to go before I EVER attempted to get on base. Apparently, big blue eyes, flirty smiles, and a deep southern accent does not let you break the rules on a military base...damn, I am already in trouble.

At the visitors center there were 5,763 about 10 people in front of me. I HATE to wait in lines. Finally, after hours ten minutes, it was my turn. I walked up the rude, stone faced, no personality nice lady behind the counter. Those military people are nosey effers...he is how our conversation went down...

Lady: (without ever looking up from her computer) Can I help you?

Me: Yes ma'am... I need a visitors pass please.

Lady: (still not looking up) OK. I need your license, registration, and proof of insurance.

(I hand her the stuff)

Lady: What is your s.s. number?

Me: ###-##-####

Lady: (still hasn't looked up) Ok. What color is your <make of car>?

Me: White

Lady: What is your date of birth?

Me: ('s right there on my license, just look!) ##/##/####

Lady: What is your destination today?

Me: (thinking, finally...she is trying to be friendly now and strike up a conversation) XYZ School. I am going to be working there!! I am so excited! I am going there today to...

Lady: (rudely interrupting me, clearly not wanting to start a conversation...and still not looking up) How long will you need this pass?

Me: (confused look on face) maybe a couple of hours???

Lady: (with a "you are a dumb blonde" look on her face) I mean do you need it only for today??

Me: Umm, yes. I guess when I have to come back they will...

Lady: (again, rudely interrupting me) What color is your hair?

Me: (with a look of "can't you effing look at it or my license that is right in front of you and tell???" and why in the hell do y'all ask so many questions??) Ummm....blonde,very blonde.

Lady: How much do you weigh?

Me: (with a look of shock and horror on face) Whooooaaaa missy...don't ya think that's a little personal??

Lady: (STILL has not looked up) Ma'am, I am required to ask, it's nothing personal towards you.

Me: Are you required to check for accuracy??

Lady: No ma'am

Me: Well in that case.... 115 (then I threw my head back and just laughed and laughed)

Lady: (FINALLY looks up, lowers her glasses on the bridge of her nose, looks me up and down...awkward pause)

Me: What???? I'm dressed in adds a few pounds. (Flash flirty smile and bat big blue eyes again)

Lady: Here's your pass.

Moral of the story: Ask me no questions, and I'll tell ya no lies :)


~Sandi @ This one time at 'band' camp... said...

That's hilarious! We no longer have those entries in our bases, thank god, but when we did it was all the same! No sense of haha! Congrats on the job btw.

Jazzing up Jackie said...

Awesome post lol. Thanks for the giggle :)

Michelle H. said...

LOL. I hate not having an ID to get on base anymore...don't even bother with it unless I absolutely have to go.

Anonymous said...

Ha Ha Ha

jennxaz said...

that made me laugh! Thanks

Lisa said...

Hilarious! I am in HR/Recruiting and I hire a lot of military and have a lot of military contracts that I support. I SO know this play by play SOOOOO well. I too in the beginning held up lanes of traffic and had to be rerouted. I have to go onto MacDill AFB in Tampa often and Centcom is there and it's a no-fuck-around attitude there for sure. I laughed so hard envisioning this!!

tz said...

that was awesome..she's probably thinking, 'damn civilians' right about now

Sarah said...

She asked you your hair colour? Seriously? Well she's either a total idiot or colour blind. What a laugh.

What was the school like? Did you like it? Did you meet your class? So excited for you.

Vanessa said...

So funny. The military don't mess around!

Melissa Wolf said...

Funny!! Hope you like the job!

speck said...

I love you! lol

Laura Belle said...

Freaking fantastic! hahaha

Nora said...

OMG, that is great!!!

Ronnie said...

Ah, I needed that laugh today! :)